When to say I love you

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,

This topic is an interesting one because of the drastic difference between genders. Yup, there is actually a difference. So we'll discuss the differences, why there is a difference and how to navigate depending on gender.

Women and Men: Okay this will be a bit more complicated. First we need to examine where you are in interest. Are you in the puppy love stage? Lust? Attraction? Attachment? This is what you need to figure out first. Sorry ladies but we have a tendency to fall out of love as quickly as we fall in love. So let's go over these feelings..

Puppy Stage: Any one of the older generations know this stage well. Why? Well it an obvious stage. As in everyone around you knows you're in this stage. This stage is where you both are on your best behavior. You are smitten with them to the point that you see nothing wrong. You become a bit defensive or completely ignore others when they point out a bad quality. You feel like those old cartoons with hearts instead of eyes. Ladies you may change your outfit 5 different times before seeing the guy. You may not see or know of any flaws the other has. How long does this last? Up till the first real conflict. Not necessarily a fight or disagreement, could be someone died and the person you're dating is taking it hard. It fully dissolves when you both start being real with each other. Puppy love is generally used to describe the younger couples because without any real concerns, the stage may last longer. Puppy love turns into a more stable love after both sides accept each other's flaws and show they are willing to work through conflicts together. This is a natural early stage of the relationship and how long it lasts depends on the couple.

Lust: This is pretty explanatory. Is your attraction only physical? Lust doesn't always turn into love. Many couples who were only physically attracted fizzle out as quick as they started. Look into yourself and past the physical part. Do they have similar goals, moral, values? Do you have other things in common? Do you two hate the same things? If not then why not take a few dates to get to know each other. If the other seems to have no interest in getting to know each other then your relationship may fizzle out.

Attraction: This will be less about lust or may develop along side of lust. This is the butterflies, excitement of something new. This is the wonder if they feel the same, the waiting of the next text, or the hope you didn't hurt their feelings by being honest. The learning stage where you start to show some of your flaws to see how the other reacts. There might even be a few dreams centered around the person. This is a natural stage where you both can be overwhelmed with feelings and curiosity of the other. A feeling of love may even begin to grow here. Naturally attraction will die down into the calm of the next stage. If this is happening and you start to miss the butterflies, don't be alarmed. Do something new together, or go on a long drive together. Do something a bit more daring that the other may never thought you'd do. The butterflies are just excitement at the unknown response of the other.

Attachment: This is the long term goal of committed relationships. It's the calm after all the other roller coaster feelings before it. It is a bond forming. Comfort. This is after 6 months or a year or so where you two don't have the need to be around each other all the time. When you can sit in a room together doing two different activities, and be happy. You've both seen each other's flaws and you stayed together. You are planning things together. You start saying, "We" instead of "I". You two start asking each other, or letting each other know if you have to stay late at work to be considerate of the other who may be waiting. You may start talking about a future together. You've been over to family dinners several times. You are relaxed together. No stepping on egg shells, just comfort, trust and of course fun in the bedroom. Many people confuse this stage for boring instead of comfort. Look into yourself before making a mistake as far as the relationship goes. What you think you're missing may not be missing at all. Many men and women make the mistake at this stage that they are bored and can find someone more exciting. Only to find later that they were wrong but it was too late. Comfort is not a bad thing.

Men: Well yours is actually easy. Don't say it first. All you have to know. I know, we are living in a time that is pushing for equality. The honest truth is when a man says, "I love you" first it is usually a turn off for women. Why? Well that is debated. Some women feel like when a man says it first, that they were "easy" to win. Others believe it shows the man being clingy, needy or overly invested. In other words, unless she has been after you for a while, don't say, "I love you" within months. Make her chase you. Men throughout centuries have been needed to provide protection and security. The more able they can provide both, the higher on the list they are on women's radar. This means more to choose from in the dating field. Women, just like men, don't want easy. Unless it's casual. This doesn't mean toy with her. If she is showing you interest then return it. So you need a better timeline? Okay, don't say it till a year. Most women fall out of love as quickly as they fall in love. So take your time. Make sure you know the woman well before saying it. You've met her family, friends, coworkers, she's told you about her past and so on. Why wait this long? The chances are she'll say it within 4-5 months if she does feel this way for you. There have been men who can say it first and have a blossoming relationship. These are outliers and probably during a different decade. If you must say it first, say it with undeniable confidence. Don't act shy, or let her hear any quiver in your voice that hints at uncertainty. Say it like you know she likes you. Still try to not say it first. Wait till she admits to you how she feels.

Women: Figure out what stage you are in. If you are in the early stages, give it some time. If you start to feel comfortable around each other, showing flaws to each other, then you could be in love. Usually women know after 2-3 months if they feel that love stage start. Yes it takes women longer to recognize so give yourself that time before saying it. Make sure it's not puppy love, or lust driving it or the relationship may come to an abrupt end. If you find that it has been a few months and you still feel like it is stuck in the earlier stages then take time to get to know one another. Don't wait for a guy to say it to you. Most of the time he will wait for you to see if you are as invested in him as he is to you. Let him know when you do. Why? The dating market is tough in today's market. If you like him, another woman will as well. So let him know.

This does not describe every relationship. There are outliers. Some men can say the phrase and then 50 years go by with a happy marriage. This is to help you discern your feelings and general advice. I hope it helps anyone that needs the help or gave you a fun read if you are reading for entertainment.

As always, take hold of your own future before it slips through your hands.

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