When an ultimatum comes up, your relationship is in flames
- Classical Lady
- Apr 27, 2022
- 6 min read
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm sure we all know that ultimatum that comes up in relationships where you do as they ask or they leave. I'm not talking, nor will I discuss toxic relationships where this will come up a lot more often. In fact not all ultimatums come off as one and many people will not realize the trouble. In fact it will look to outsiders as if their relationship is in flames but they are just standing there. You may even wonder if they are blind. The truth is, they probably are.
Let's start with the definition.
ul·ti·ma·tum
/ˌəltəˈmādəm/
Learn to pronounce
noun
a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations.
Ultimatums can come in many forms. They either fit the exact definition:
Demanding that your partner cut off gambling or risk losing you
Threatening to walk away at the end of the year if you don’t receive a marriage proposal
Giving your partner until the end of the month to decide if your relationship will have labels
They can also be more hidden:
Your partner says they are leaving to a new city and you can come or not.
Your partner says they will start a business venture and you are either behind them or not.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Don't you trust me?
Through out my years (And I'm not all that old) I've heard a lot of these from different people that had me staring at them like they had three heads. I could see the fire, but they were just standing there talking about the logic or strategy of whatever the ultimatum was. Then they look at you weird when you ask them if everything is okay in the relationship. For this post, we'll focus on when this happens in a typical relationship and not the toxic as that would need a post of it's own. I am not a phycologist, and my college only had a few phycology classes so this is advice.
Ultimatums come from a source of pain and frustration in typical relationships. Yup it's that simple. The two different reasons why they'll come up in a healthy relationship is:
A breakdown of communication
Dangerous or harmful behavior
Break down of communication:
This is the last ditched attempt at your partner screaming for you to listen. Take one of the examples from above. It is not normal for your partner in a healthy relationship to suddenly decide to up and leave. Add on that they don't seem to care if you come or not. This can come from months of trying to talk to you about it and you just ignoring them or refusing to discuss it.
"Hey hun, I really want to move to Texas. There is a lot more job opportunities down there for my career."
"I hate the heat, and we'd be so far away from my parents. Which reminds me, my parents want to see us for Christmas..."
To which they would continue talking and never give their partner a chance to circle back to the discussion of moving. If this happens for months, especially if they are struggling in their job where you are, their frustration will overflow till the ultimatum comes out. A declaration of them leaving, and you can come or not. At this point they are at their breaking point. Instead of actually making a decision, stop what you are doing. Go to them and talk to them.
"Hold on, I obviously haven't been listening. Let's talk and work on what went wrong."
If you look at the second example, it's along the same lines. They've been talking to you for a year now about putting money away to start a business. They have everything laid out in detail of how they want to do this. They know how much it'll cost. They even have a project plan for it. Instead of really looking at what they have to say and finding a way to save the money, you find excuses.
"I really want to start this. It could double our income. I will need $15,000 to fully startup, including having left over in business account. How much do you think we can save a month?"
"Right now isn't a good time in our lives. We have the cars, mortgage, student loans and the credit cards. Lets just wait a few years."
This may not be your intention, but it is a dismissive attitude toward your partner. You aren't even looking at their plan or considering the bigger picture. You could say instead:
"Okay. Well your plan is detailed and looks like you've considered all possible risks. I'm not sure due to all of our debt. Why don't we both sit down tonight and go over our budget?"
or
"Well, I can't promise a lot for now. How about 100$ for now and then as we pay off debt, we take what would have been a car payment or a credit card payment and put that towards saving along with $100 a month?"
Both of these are open communication of:
"I want to help you, I see your plan. Lets work on it together."
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Dangerous or harmful behavior
If you look back up to the top examples, the first one is a clear example of an ultimatum where your partner knows the behavior is dangerous. This can also translate to alcohol, drugs, or any other habit or activity that is dangerous. This is still the breaking point for your partner. The addiction has either been taking a serious toll or this was a deal breaker for them. Either way, your partner is trying to help you if you let them and are ready for help.
Just for fun the last two examples from the top were these:
Threatening to walk away at the end of the year if you don’t receive a marriage proposal
Giving your partner until the end of the month to decide if your relationship will have labels
Both of these are serious control red flags. For one, someone who loves you would never push you into anything. You decide what step you are ready for.
"I didn't want it to come off as controlling!"
Well then try saying your message a different way, like below:
Look, if you oaky with staying single then I understand. I am looking for a committed relationship, if you aren't ready I understand and think we should part ways.
As for the marriage part, just don't. Never force anyone to marry you with an ultimatum. In fact, trying to force anyone into marriage before they are ready can cause regret and anger to fester in the relationship becoming toxic. Same thing with trivial matters. Don't push an ultimatum just because they never put the shoes by the door like you ask.
"That is really annoying! I've asked them over a 1000 times!"
Annoying isn't a deal breaker. Think about you. is there anything you don't do that they ask? Maybe try to work on those first. After all a relationship is two people, not one.
That's all for this blog post but I really hopes this helps anyone who may need this. If you have a opinion or a story of your own about this topic, leave a comment and let me know what you think. Have a topic for a blog post? Go to my website and e-mail me and I will thank you when I type the blog. Want to help support me? Share the blog, subscribe to the e-mail, or become an affiliate to help bring traffic. In a world where having an opinion that differs from the current ideologies, traffic helps me stay independent through ads shown on my site. If you want to make a donation go my website where you will see a donate button through Paypal. Thank you to all of my current subscribers and affiliates for the support as I work to bring you new perspectives, or even just a fun read. Stay tuned for the next blog!
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