Single mom by choice?
- Classical Lady
- Feb 17, 2022
- 7 min read
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,
This is for our young ladies who are considering being a single mom by choice after seeing social media and a few celebrities talk about how wonderful of a journey it is. Today we'll discuss this topic. Why? I'm sure if you are reading this then you have read plenty of articles from women on why it may work for you and how it was the right choice for them. Now that you are all excited, lets dose a bit of reality on you. You probably won't listen, especially if you are young but if you don't know all the variables, then you may find yourself wishing you too had known some of these important things before becoming a single mom.
The article I am going to discuss is by Jamie Herndon. I will give her a lot of credit because these topics are hard to talk about and I appreciate her sharing the other side of "After" being a single mom by choice. This helps you keep everything in perspective. So let's go onto her first tip.
It's exhausting: This is not an understatement. Children seem to zap your energy from you, especially when they are young. Without a partner, you are doing it all alone. Which means no one to take turns with getting up in the middle of the night. No one to let you go get a bath for 30 minutes. Making dinner? Well now you need to turn off the stove to go run and get the baby. Baby asleep? Okay now do you get a shower, eat or sleep? Then you'll end of asleep in the shower. Worst part is that this never ends. You won't be waiting for someone to come home to help you. You will feel more alone than ever. Did you eat enough? Better keep track because there is no partner to take the baby so you can eat. You only got 3 hours of sleep the night before, between school and work and then you find out your two year old gets ahold of the cereal. Now it is all over the floor. Now I am not saying this to scare you or make fun of anyone. This is something a lot of women do not understand when they make this choice. You're working 40hrs a week and school does not compare to the exhaustion of being a parent. Parenting is a job, that is 24hrs a day, 365 days a year. So keep this in mind if you are only 22 and thinking of the single mom hood because some women made it look amazing online.
Lonely: You may have gotten part of that feeling from above but it's not just with the exhausted, sleep deprived times. Your child starts to walk for the first time, who do you call? Parents are working friends are busy with their life. What about when they get hurt? Your parents may sit there and say, "They'll be fine, just watch them" but who do you turn to for your fears? Even the irrational ones that logically you know better. You'll be faced to make decisions about your child on your own and suddenly you aren't sure if you researched enough or know enough to make a proper decision. What about their first "A" in school? Who do you share this with? What about all those cute things your child does 5 times a day? Will you want to bother your parents or friends with it all the time? Plus, those that have had kids have a tendency to say things like this, "Yeah, it's a big deal the first time." Maybe for you every time they loose a tooth is exciting. Like as talked above, who will help you so you can get a break? With being a single mom you are the only one working, and this should not be ignored as a consequence you may not be ready for.
Self care matters.: This is more for any parent than more so just for single moms. This just seems bigger because you don't have a partner to sit there and tell you to go get a bath, or go eat. There is no one to watch the kid while you are sick. So you get to take the kid to the doctor with you and hope they behave. So in this case it'd be best to get your self a planner to keep an eye on your health, sleep, relaxation, showers and so forth so you don't forget about yourself.
Finding the mom group: So it doesn't have to be a mom group but you need more emotional support than family or friends may be willing to give you. So looking for groups to join can really help you remain calm.
It's okay to not always love it: Parenting is not easy and none of us like the times when our kids are hurt. So not every part of parenting will be easy or fun, but going into it alone can leave you wishing for something different that you may not even realize you'd want. A partner.
Okay so now that we covered hers. Let me add a few that you should be ware of as well.
Your dating will be an after thought: You will be so exhausted from going into it alone, you will not have time for dating. Maybe you will, but most of you won't. You'll be so tired from working and parenting alone that you won't have the energy to even consider dating. Your child will naturally come first and with you doing everything, you'll find that the amount of time needed to make your self dating ready is just not in the schedule for the next few years.
Single moms are not the top of the dating list: I know, you ladies are trying to change it. The problem is that there are a lot of stereotypes of single moms that turn out to be true among a greater majority than originally thought. For this reason, if you have a kid, the dating life will suffer. Is it fair? No but guys deal with it too. Women don't want to be a step mom so any single guys with kids will also suffer in the market. This means you need to grow a thick skin. Handle rejection well and learn to plan for it. It'll make the rejections a bit easier to handle. Also consider if it's fair of you to be looking right now. Are you going to cancel all the time because your child is young and your babysitter is unreliable? Keep in mind that no one wants to be canceled on all the time. While we all agree kids come first, if the guy is not ready for that stage, he may realize that what you to are looking for is different. Many women are not prepared for how much this is a reality. No amount of complaining is going to change it. Before you all go after guys for this, think about it. Would you date a guy who has kids? So before you go down this road thinking that they'll be plenty of choices, ask yourself if you are prepared for the possibility of never finding someone or at least not till the child is older.
Your goals will be slower to reach: This may come as a surprise. "But I have money saved!" It may not be enough. If your child gets sick, or starts growing a lot faster than you thought or maybe inflation rises to fast. Being the soul provider means your goals will take a backseat to what ever your child needs. This also means it'll be longer because you are living on one income along with the cost of childcare. You may realize that your goals will take years longer than you thought they would. If you go down this road, patience is key because nothing will happen quickly except your child growing. Don't get frustrated with anyone else because you can't make things happen as fast, as this could damage your relationships that are currently helping you stay sane.
Prepare for the questions: What are you going to tell your child when they are older? What about when other kids ask? Teachers? Be prepared for the constant questioning if you are okay and if you can do it alone. These will not stop and no matter how much you complain or blog about it. This is a part of choosing this road. Many may end up being supportive but don't give sassy, rude or snarky replies to people who are saying things you've heard over and over again. You chose this path. Just because you don't like the responses because you've heard it all, doesn't change the fact you traveled this road. The more you are snarky, rude and sassy about what people ask or tell you, the more it shows the opposite of what you are trying to portray. The rude, or snarky comments don't portray a woman who is okay, or doing great. In fact it shows that you are over whelmed or unsure of yourself. So instead just be kind. Why? Because it will have a bigger impact than if you were to answer with attitude.
I hope this helps any girls who are thinking of going down this road. If you are struggling in the dating field then why not try something new and check out my other blogs to see where you could improve to better your chances.
As always, take hold of your own future before it slips through your hands.
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